futoncam journals - Lindsey
Indecision in Introduction - 1/30/2003 2:17 PM
So I don't know how I feel about this whole "on-line journal" idea.
Scratch that. I know how I feel and I don't like it and not just because the first impression anyone will get of me from this is that I'm indecisive, though the fact that I changed my first statement from a half-assed sort of "I'm not going to make up my mind because I'm a dumbass" to a "this is sketchy" shows that perhaps I'm stepping out of my fickle decision-making ways. It's not that I can't take a stand. When it comes to the big things I know how I feel, at least at this point in my life. My indecision is rooted in my gradual acceptance of change. I've learned to fear not the adaptations I and those I love go through, but rather the absence of them. A friend told me that life is a constant cycle of switches and I believe him and I believe in people who are willing to give like a twizzler as opposed to snapping like a piece of uncooked pasta. Sometimes I eat that shit right out of the box. It's thin and it cracks and it's flavorless like people who go through life looking for nothing more than contentment.
My jaw keeps clicking and kind of falling out of place. This and the constant pain in my upper back didn't appear until I started playing hockey and I pray that I can get knees pads before my last regular season game. All my equipment is still in my bag from practice last night. I'm sure it smells terrible, but I can't bear to touch it right now. I'm just to keep sitting here at my desk, chasing apple juice with an occasional swig or two of tap water, and let "Thick as a Brick" play from my little Hp.
I'm not going to tell you who bought me the apple juice, I'm not going to tell you what I was doing tonight. If you know me, then you know these things, and if you don't, it seems odd for me to share this information. The only reason I've put this up is because I'm writing constantly. Most of it's in my mind- words and phrases come to me while I'm washing Easy Mac out of my stolen TDR bowl, but most of the time they slip out and away before I even find paper. Everything I write is the truth, even if the people in it are exaggerations or ideas, it's the truth and often the truth is scary or unreal. I have no idea how I'm going to sell that sort of shit later on in life, so I think it's about time that I learn to write to an audience.