futoncam journals - Chris
sick - 9/20/2003 7:25 PM
I try to be an honest person.
I haven't always been that way, but for the last year or two I've really been trying. It's not easy. A couple months back I told an old friend of mine that I'd really like her to just go away for a while. It wasn't the best way I could have worded it. That I admit fully. I could make some excuses about being very frustrated at the time and such, but it really comes down to me just not really thinking it through.
If I had it to do over again, I would still be honest about feeling crowded by her and needing some time away, but I would certainly put it in gentler, but still frank language. This old friend got pretty upset about it and our friendship never recovered. Perhaps it wasn't that particular issue that really drove the split between us, but I know it certainly didn't help. I heard tales later from mutual friends about bitter, mocking words about the whole ordeal, and I haven't heard from her in a long time.
As I remember it, around that time another friend and I were talking about the situation and she asked me to promise her that if I ever felt the same way about her, I would be sure and tell her so. Perhaps I am remembering incorrectly, perhaps it happened later when a mutual friend of ours was ignoring her and giving her the cold shoulder because he was feeling crowded by her and needed some time away. Either way, I distinctly remember the promise and I remember feeling very releived that she was mature enough and understanding enough to see that sometimes that happens and that it is best for everyone involved if they simply communicate how they're feeling, and take some time away from eachother for a while.
Perhaps you can see where this is going. Perhaps you cannot. If I was you, I probably wouldn't have any idea. I'm often surprised by plot twists at the movies where everyone else is like "I totally saw that coming." I guess that's just the kind of person that I am. It's not that I'm not smart. I'm a very analytical thinker. I'm a problem solver. I guess I just don't think ahead sometimes. Anyway, for those like me who don't know where I'm going with this, here it is.
I told that 2nd friend today that I needed some time away. She had been over riding out the hurricane with me for the last several days. She called and I thought she was asking me to let her know if my roommates and I were doing anything in the hopes that she could join in. After spending several days with her, I just couldn't handle it. So I (I think) politely and gently told her that, I didn't think it would be good for her to come over tonight as I didn't know that after spending so much time with her lately that I could handle anymore.
She said ok, and the phone call ended. I heard from someone else that she was apparently upset that I was sick of hanging out with her but not with some other friends who had been weathering the storm at my place.
I found out later when talking to her tonight, that she was pretty pissed about the whole thing, cause all she wanted to do was know if we were going to be home so she could come pick up the stuffed animal that she left here. The whole phone call was a misunderstanding. All she wanted to do was drop by and pick it up. I explained that I had totally misheard her on the phone and we ended the conversation.
This whole situation leaves me with a number of questions. What the hell are you supposed to do when you just can't handle hanging out with someone for a while? I've tried just grinning and bearing it...it ends in nasty words thinly disguised as jokes and nasty temper flare-ups. I've seen people do the "nice to your face, but avoiding you at all costs behind your back" thing and that doesn't seem healthy. It seems to lead to broken increasing dishonesty in the relationship and broken hearts in the end. I've personally tried the frank, blunt, "I need some time away" approach, and it doesn't seem to be working out so hot either.
Everybody has habits other people find annoying at times. Even happily married couples do. People aren't perfect - hell there isn't really any perfection to strive for. What one person finds annoying another person finds endearing. So what the hell do you do when their is a disparity in annoyance? (to use what seems to me to be a pretty horrible phrase, but I can't come up with another one right now.) Do you try and change them? "Fix" their annoying habits? Try and shape them into some mold that you think is more enjoyable to be around? I can think of a number of problems with that right off the top of my head! Who is to say that those annoying habits are bad? Perhaps someone is going to come along tomorrow and think those habits are just about the cutest thing in the world and carry them off to a beautiful wedding and years of happiness. Who am I to try and change who someone is? Aren't we all just supposed to be who we are? Wouldn't that be false? There are certainly a number of people in the world who think I'm annoying or offensive or crude or who knows what else. And yet my girlfriend loves me. She loves things about me that even _I_ don't like. I'm not sure I could change them, they a part of who I am. If I tried to do otherwise I think I'd be being false to myself. That's not to say that I think people can't change - that they can't change themselves for the better. I think people can, but I think there are certain parts of yourself that you can't change and still be you.
There are so many parallels in life. This one parallels my experience with disparities in love. I'm convinced, if human civilization ever does come to an end, that its root cause will be that someone loved someone else more than that someone else loved the someone. Love and friendship are strong forces - strong ties. They bring out emotions and feelings that can't be evoked by robbing someone of anything else. Not money. Not power. Not anything. It hurts like hell when someone doesn't love you as much as you love them and it hurts like hell when someone isn't as keen on spending time with you as you are on spending time with them. These hurts can bring the whole world crashing down.
I guess I'll go on being honest for now and hope I can make friends faster than I piss them off. Maybe there's a better way, or maybe this is just the painful path we have to take...