futoncam journals - Chris
uber update - 3/26/2003 1:31 PM
Alright, it's been over a month since I updated this thing. It's time. Over the last month I've had a couple entries percolate in my mind - actually I believe I told Kendra that I had one "stewing" but actually meant "brewing". Whatever. Anyway, what's been going on? Well things have been pretty crazy which is probably why I haven't updated lately. I lashed out at Chelsea because I just couldn't put up with having her around a lot anymore, I had a fantastic long weekend with Kendra that has made me rethink my priorities, Klug came, got drunk and was taken to the hospital while I was too wasted to do anything about it, Lindsey appears to have sunken into a deeper melancholy than I know what to do with, Rita's been devastated by her rejection from UCLA, Klug seems to be aching more and more about not being in DC - an ache that seems to have been amplified by a week here for Spring Break instead of being assuaged, and I'm still job-less, though I have a promising internship interview tomorrow.
Chelsea
Alright, before I go any farther let me state that clearly there is no way for me to actually know what's going on with anyone else, I can merely discuess what I see and how I interpret those observations - I'm still working through a lot of what I see and trying to make sense of it - this is a first stab.
Chelsea and I have definitely grown apart over the last two years and it became painfully obvious a couple weeks ago. The way I see it, I was friends with Chelsea for 2 reasons in the past. 1. I enjoyed her company because she had all sorts of interesting new ideas that I'd never really heard voiced before and she pulled out of me a love of the simple things in life that I'd never really expressed before. 2. She was an excellent support person which I didn't really have anywhere else. When things went wrong, I could go to her for a hug and advice. I don't think any of those apply anymore. Kendra and I have finally gotten to the point where we can talk freely on the phone and see eachother quite often and she has become my ultimate support network. She can cheer me up like nobody else I've ever known and she isn't afraid to set me straight when I'm misinterpreting things or being dumb. As far as enjoying her company - I hate to admit that I don't. She appears to have become more jaded with reality and more judgemental of others. Whereas before she seemed mistified by some people's behavior or lifestyle, she now seems to judge those behaviors and lifestyles as being inferior to her own. She seems to have lost her constant re-evaluation of people and is stuck with initial impressions and former flaws. The ideas I was so enthralled with before seem to have been lost in her new solipsism. She seems to have abandoned or lost any ideas, beliefs or feelings that pertain to what the rest of us call reality and lost herself in her mysticism. I don't know how to end this part of the entry. Chelsea was so important to me in the past, but she's slipped pretty hard off of her pedestal. I want to be friends, but how do you maintain a friendship when every time you're together you find yourself on edge and stressed, praying your other friends won't be offended when she flippantly shreds their priorities and values and trying to throw up a facade to hide your own? How can you be friends with someone you no longer understand?
Kendra
Every time we part, I think to myself "I love her so much, there's no way I could possibly love her any more than I do." and then every time I see her, she says something or does something that makes my love swell even larger. Kendra and I have had a rough road, we started dating when she's was pretty young and her mother wasn't happy about it. That's probably the understatement of my life. But things have improved over the last two years and we've finally gotten to the point where we can talk on the phone whenever we want and see eachother fairly regularly. There were times in the past when friends would ask me why I stayed in a long-distance relationship for so long with someone I'd never really had the chance to spend lots of time with or get to know really personally, and at times I may have doubted, but I'm proud to say it was well worth every moment of pain. I'd do it again if I had the choice.
Despite how far we've come, we're still in a long-distance relationship. We don't get to come home to each other every night or even get to go out together every weekend. We can't just stop by to say hi or to say "I love you." For a long time I've been ok with that. I've been of the opinion that it would be stupid of me to give up all of the friends and memories and contacts that I have in DC and uproot myself to go live with her in Buffalo, but lately I'm not sure. I have a lot of fun with my friends, but I'm never as happy as I am when she's around. I always hear "Don't give up your friends for a significant other", but I'd love to hear some personal experiences from people who have tried it. It's starting to look awfully tempting.
Drunkenness
Short story - we had a bit of a drinking party in the room, Mike got trashed and passed out, I got trashed but not enough to pass out and Klug got trashed and started puking in the bathroom. I watched over him in the bathroom for quite a while, knowing even in my heavily inebriated state that somebody should watch out for him. The last thing I remember is thinking that someone else was there who was better qualified to take care of him than I was and then going to bed. The next morning I found out that Jeff and Lindsey took him to the hospital while I was sleeping, they asked him a bunch of questions, stuck and IV in him and left him to sleep for a couple of hours and then sent him home. He chose how much to drink, he helped buy the booze, he's over 21...and yet I can't help but feel personally responsible because I let myself get to the point where I couldn't handle the situation. All that runs through my head about that night is "I shouldn't have drank as much, I should have watched him closer." and yet part of me also says "He's a big boy, they were his decisions, you can't be expected to mother everybody." I guess I'm still wrestling with this one too.
Friends
I'm a caring person. I've been given an abuntanly large heart which seems to have a pretty infinite supply of love. I love a LOT of people, I really, genuinely care for all of my friends. When they're in pain, I'm in pain and I want to help them. I have quite a few friends who seem to be in pain right now...WHY AM I CLUELESS ON WHAT TO DO TO HELP THEM?! Some people I can help - Christina was going through a rough patch a while ago, I told her if she needed someone to talk to she could come see me at work. She did, I had some experience with what she was going through, gave her some advice and a hug and I think I really helped her out, but lately I've been hit with some doozies that I feel powerless to help with. Lindsey's deep in a hole with so many facets I don't think I could list them all. The best I could pull out for her was to encourage her to visit the counseling center, but if they can't help her then what do I do? I know Rita's been in a daze ever since she got rejected by UCLA. I've never had that kind of rejection. Why the hell would she want to listen to me say stuff like "You'll get past it" or "It's not the end of the world" or "You can get past this" when I really don't know what it feels like or what she's going through? All I can do is keep her company and give her hugs, which while I'm sure is appreciated doesn't really get her anywhere. Klug is his usual roller-coaster happy/unhappy self and yet I still wish there was something I could do about it. I feel like there must be somewhere, but I don't know what it is at this point. Maybe it just isn't time yet. I'll keep praying cause that, at least, I can do.
Employment
For the last month, my biggest worry has been employment and also how my employment situation relates to summer housing. I REALLY want to get an apartment with Mike this summer. I think it would be awesome rooming with him in DC for the summer, enjoying living someplace where we don't have to share a room and have a kitchen and our own bathroom. It opens up worlds of pimptastic decorating possibilities. I've been really worried about the job situation because I currently only make $750/mth which makes it difficult to spend more than $350/mth on rent when I also have food and credit card bills to pay, but right now I feel much less worried about. Hopefully that's God calming me down because tomorrow's job interview is going to pan out, but I'm not sure. I found some more job openings online yesterday, so I'm going to apply for them today. Also, Christina is still looking for a place to stay, so she may move into our living room and split our rent three ways instead of two. That might make it possible for me to get by with one job for a while longer than I expected. I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't have a second job yet, but I'm feeling much less worried about it while still working hard toward getting one.