futoncam journals - Chris
trust - 2/5/2003 2:46 PM
I've gotta be completely honest. I have an ulterior motive for writing this journal entry. Lindsey had trouble submitting her journal last night, so I need to submit a journal entry myself to see what the error is. I could just submit a junk entry and then delete it, but I know a couple people have signed up for email alerts when my journal is updated and I wouldn't want to get their hopes up. I think it's for the best though, otherwise I wouldn't write any of this down...
Lindsey's been going through some rough times lately, dealing with an issue that she hasn't told me about. Actually, I don't think she's really told anyone about it, though maybe a little to Chelsea. It's been killing me to see her upset and sad and clearly not at peace, so naturally I'd like to know what's going on so maybe I could help her through it. She came up to the room Monday night especially upset about things, and I tried to make her as comfortable as possible. I sat down beside her and gave her some hugs and listened as best I could and just burned up inside. All I could think was "Why won't she tell me? Doesn't she trust me?" Eventually she went to sleep on the futon and I went to bed. Thankfully I got a chance to talk to Chelsea later and she helped me with some perspective adjusting. I really wanted to see things in a light other than "She doesn't trust" me, so I set Chelsea to the task of offering some other perspectives. Thank God Chelsea's around. :)
Chelsea helped me realize that just coming to me Monday night for comfort was a pretty big step. Hopefully it means that Lindsey feels safe with me and trusts me not to push her to talk about things if she doesn't want to. I need to not betray that. Also, if I really trust Lindsey as much as I claim, then I need to trust her to decide what to tell me and what not to. No matter how much I love her, I can't wave a magic wand and fix all her problems. That much at least, I already knew. Now I'm just rambling and I've lost my focus, so I'll bring this entry to an end. End.