futoncam journals - Chris
loneliness - 1/23/2003 12:52 PM
Loneliness is such a bizarre phenomenon; it can arrive and depart so swiftly. I was working on the futoncam website last night, adding some of the functionality that you're experiencing right now. Mike headed down to visit a new friend of his named Dana, and I was happy at the time to have some time to myself cause I program best when I'm by myself. Right around that time, Chelsea came by to visit and asked if I was interested in watching a movie. I said maybe in a bit and returned to my programming. She started reading a book to pass the time. A little while later Sivram came by and I asked him if he wanted to play some Unreal Tournament 2003 since we'd talked about getting into a game when we saw each other earlier in the day. Chelsea said she was going to go home. If I was playing computer games I wasn't likely to start a movie. I played a few rounds with Sivram and then went back to programming. Two hours later, all of a sudden I felt terribly lonely. Apparently I'd used up my tolerance for alone time and needed human contact. I tried to visit Allison & Kathleen, but they were watching a movie so I headed down to to talk to Lindsey. She was chatting with a couple people on IM including our chaplain who tutors her in Russian since he was a Russian major in High School. We talked a bit about why I don't talk much and how she feels like I don't confide in her. I countered that I just don't have very many problems big enough to need confiding in someone. The whole time I was down there she was distracted talking to our Chaplain, which I totally understand cause she needs help with her Russian and she's certainly justified in feeling she owes him some attention after all the time he spends helping her with Russian, but I couldn't help but feel slighted inside that she wouldn't drop everything and pay attention to me. I had no right to expect that, and yet I did. And now when I think about it, I did the same thing to Chelsea. She walked all the way over from the sixth floor of Centennial and I ignored her the whole time to...actually I was worse than Lindsey cause I didn't even give her half my attention. Why is the need for human contact so fickle? Emotion can be such a pain in the ass, but I guess it's worth it.